when it rains; it pours.

between my morning, and my evening yesterday - you would think that the universe has some divine plan in place that i am just not wise too yet.

i watched my brother put his left hand out, to touch a car and avoid making contact as he came flying around a turn into the round-about in montecito. i was right behind him, on my bike, watching it all go down. even as i watched him taking off into the turn, i thought 'i'm going to see the most spectacular crash right now'; and this was not more than thirty seconds before the actual event happened.

he made contact with his hand, even as he had lost the battle and his wheel went down under the car's back wheel. he went flying: head and shoulder first into the concrete. how i got off of my bike, down to him on the ground pulling him off the road, i don't know. that i got him out of the street and into the woman's car to be shipped to the emergency room, i do remember.

who called the cops, i don't know. becuase a minute later i was yelling at a cop who i felt was being an jackass for telling me to walk down to him as i was dragging two bikes (one mangled) and two backpacks. but although i yelled at him and started shaking, he later turned out to be a decent cop, and a nice man.

this is the the first time jonah's been hit by a car and the car didn't take off, post impact, classic 'hit-and-run', which is the norm in the cop's, my and jonah's experience. i am deeply impressed that the woman who hit him took responsibility. the norm is 'hit-and-run'.

daddy and i eventually made it to the e.r. to find that jonah was conscious and going to make it. despite right shoulder, head first impact into the curb at 25 miles per hour. he now has six staples in his scalp, a bunch of lesions and severe shoulder swelling - but this i consider a blessing.

i could have lost my brother yesterday. and worse, i saw it happen.

i'm still in shock, and apparently i was in deep shock most of yesterday. it's the third time he's been hit by a car, none his fault.

i suppose the shock is not surprising. it's my third time playing the role of mother, care taker and friend in the e.r. while he is severely debilitated.

what is this fragility of life? that we lead? of love? my brother is an extension of my deepest and most essential self, in a way no one else can ever be. he's my best friend, love and companion. i watched him almost die.

there is no expression to summarize my torn emotions between pain at the experience i witnessed and managed yesterday and the high i feel from knowing he is alive. nor is there a way to share the repeat visions i see when i close my eyes of the crash going much, much worse.

shock, runs deep. love, runs deeper. the two in amplification are louder than any fog horn in dead winter.

thank you divine, thank you god, that things went well yesterday. thank you kati and ryan for being there. thank you ashlyn for being in touch and offering your love.